Most relationships that are in crisis can be attributed to the fact that they an ineffective cooperation system. There is a natural order to the cosmos. Nothing exists without meaning and all things are connected. Life is this carefully constructed symphony that is all inclusive and cooperative.
Our ancestors were successful in developing the sciences and surviving in great abundance because they knew that in order to live and thrive in this world, you must have a cooperative relationship with everything and everyone. They understood the power of cooperation and they knew the grave consequences of non-cooperation. We have been so far removed from our ancestral wisdom and customs that we have forgotten the nature and practice of cooperation, or working together.
In order for cooperation to be possible and have power, there must be three elements; the first element is a governing basic assumption, a rule in which the pattern of cooperation will function. The second element is a system of feedback. There has to be interplay, a sort of dialogue between all parties involved in the cooperative effort. The final element is adaptability. There can be any factors that disrupt plans or cooperative goals, so the system must be willing to adapt to keep the efforts flowing.
For example, in order for grass to grow, there is a system of feedback between the earth, air, grass and sunlight. The basic assumption is that each element will show up to play its part in the growth of the grass at a specific time of year for a specific duration. Let’s say one year the grass did not grow healthy, thick and strong, one can look to the cooperative elements to figure out the problem; either the feedback system was off or the governing basic assumption was tinkered with. In either event, one or more of the parties within this cooperative system will adapt to the disruption of their goal to grow healthy, strong green grass. There could be a million variables as to why the grass did not grow as planned, but as long as there is a cooperative system in place there is a greater chance for goals to be met.
Cooperative Relationships
Successful romantic relationships have functional cooperation systems. There is feedback, a basic assumption and adaptability; to ensure that the relationship survives and evolves. As mentioned previously, relationships that are in crisis have an ineffective cooperative system. These relationships do have some level of cooperation but oftentimes the system in set up to be counterproductive to the growth and expansion of the relationship.
Kia and Nasair
Kia and Nasair is a young couple looking to start a family. Lately they have been arguing over whether or not Kia will quit her job to stay home and be a full time mom. Nasair feels like Kia should quit her job and be a full time mom. He believes that it is Kia’s duty as a wife and mother to raise their children on a fulltime basis. Then there is Kia who is absolutely livid with Nasair’s demands for her to give up her fulltime career , a career she spend many years and lots of money to get training for. She didn’t want to spend all of her younger tears cooped up in the house slowly become brain dead and out of touch with the greater world.
It’s obvious that Kia and Nasair’s cooperative system is becoming counterproductive, and if not straightened out, the whole relationship will implode in on itself.
Governing Basic Assumptions
Every party in a cooperative relationship brings its own governing assumptions. Meaning they have an overall idea of what position they are going to play. The basic assumptions are the most fundamental element to a cooperative relationship because if the assumptions are not clear and the positions are not in alignment with each other, the system will be chaotic and opposing.
Nasair’s basic assumption is that men should work and women should raise the children. He knew that Kia loved her career and worked hard at it. But he assumed that once it came time to start a family, that Kia would happily give up her career to stay home and raise the children.
Kia’s basic assumption is that a woman should contribute more to life than just having babies and serving men. Kia knew that Nasair had different ideas about the role women played in family and society, but she assumed that once it came time to start a family, he would take into consideration her passion for her career and respect her stance on the role of women.
It’s obvious that both Kia and Nasair’s governing basic assumptions are not in alignment with each other and must be revisited and revised in order for them even to determine whether having a family is an option for the relationship.
Feedback
The feedback between the couple had become confusing at best. Neither one could decipher the others signals on which way to bring their goal to completion. Their basic assumptions are governing the flow and content of feedback that circulates between them.
Adaptability
There are many options for this couple to work together in reaching their goal, but they must allow themselves to become adaptable to each other. This may take revisiting and restructuring their basic assumptions, which is not easy for some couples, but it is quite apparent where the block to cooperation exists.
Your Love Relationship
If you find that your relationship is suffering, before you throw in the towel and give up, first take a look at your system of cooperation. Here are some steps that can ensure your system runs smoothly every time.
Write down the goal. What is the goal that you both are working towards? Writing down the goal is extremely important. Each person’s minds and emotions are usually scattered at this point, so it’s best to pull the goal out of your minds by writing it down clearly for both to see and in this way you have a tangible guide post to return to when necessary.
There usually are more than one goal couples are working towards, but in working to readjust the flow of your system, it’s advisable to work on one goal at a time until you get a rhythm that is more harmonious and effective.
Reflect and write down your basic assumption. Once the goal is written out, the next step is to take time to think about your assumptions as it relates to this goal. Here are some questions you can answer for starters:
• What position did you agree to play?
• What are some of the ideas, resources or time you assumed you would be contributing?
• What ideas, resources or time you assumed your mate would contribute?
• What are your assumptions about the benefits or disadvantages of achieving this goal?
Evaluate your feedback system. This is where you will unravel the ways in which you and your mate relay information to one another. This part may take some careful observation because oftentimes we act and speak to one another in reactionary ways. We do not pay attention to what is really being communicated. A word to the wise when evaluating your feedback style, please suspend judgment. Your only task at this time is to reflect, observe and make notes.
Have an Adaptability Plan. My mama use to always tell me to never place all my eggs in one basket. This adage instilled in me that my plans or goal may not go as I envisioned in my mind, and that I must make enough room to change or adapt to reach my goal.
• What are some ways that you are willing to adjust to make your cooperative system work?
• What are your deal breakers?
• Where have you been unmovable or stubborn?
Once both you and your mate have completed these steps, you can now sit down and discuss new ways to cooperate with one another to reach your goal.
Some may ask, but what if my mate does not want to do this list with me, what shall I do? You can complete this list as an individual, this is being adaptable. In truth, it should not take for your mate to change for you to change; the system will change even if only one decides to come on board, so why not make your influence positive and effective.
In sum, we must approach our love relationships with the same forethought and consciousness as our ancestors, who were wise enough to fall in line with the process of nature. They studied the workings of things that sustained their lives and the life around them. They replicated these systems of nature throughout all aspects of their lives and relationship. They knew that cooperation is the governing principle to achieving great things. Many Blessings on your journey!
